May 2004

 

May 1 2004

A new month and a brand new homepage with amazing brand new art! Joy!

The art on the homepage is by Nickykaa. Nickykaa did the original Guttergaunt banner lettering, and helped me with the initial design of this site, and now he's become the first to respond to my Call for Art Submissions. You rock, Nicky!

And is that a great picture, or what? It's a really good likeness, too (a bit flattering, physique-wise, but I'm not complaining). And it brings back fond memories of the long-ago evening when he took the photo that the picture was made from...

Sigh...Nicky's the only guy I ever trusted to photograph me in such a compromising position. And he could have had me in that position again... I was so thrilled by the artwork that I impulsively made the offer, by way of expressing my gratitude. But no, he's being Mister Monogamous Commitment these days. Darn.

Instead, he said that I could repay him by being in his harem in a future incarnation. He also says that when I am, he'll share me with the future incarnations of anyone else who sends me artwork, if they mention it when they show up at the palace gates.

So get to work on those pictures, everyone! Your future incarnations will thank you for it!

 

May 3 2004

The weather’s been really hot around here lately. Even at night, which is very rare in this region. Hot nights are more of an East Coast thang. When they happen around here, I’m always surprised to realize how much I’ve missed them.

Hot nights make me horny, and also give me insomnia, followed by dreams even more vivid than usual.

For three nights running, there have been rabbits in my dreams. Dreaming of being homeless again, but for some reason I’ve got the added worry of having a pet rabbit to take care of.

I told Valkyrie about the rabbits (“Tell me about the rabbits, George...”)

“It means you’re pregnant!” she shouted. “Oh, my God! I’ve knocked you up!”

 

May 7 2004

I may have mentioned, somewhere in the months I’ve been keeping this blog, that I only do short-term relationships. No matter how much I like someone, I make it clear from the start that our time together is limited. The usual duration is 6 to 8 weeks.

Once my time with a lover is over, I generally don’t keep in touch (Nickykaa being the one really major exception), though I’ll sometimes get back in touch with a former lover, months later, and do a brief “encore” or three.

Some of my readers have encouraged me to talk more about this, and to explain why I do things this way. I’m planning to write about all that eventually, though I’m not sure when. Writing about my emotional history is a hell of a lot more daunting than writing about my sexual history.

Anyway, right now is certainly not the best time for me to go into that subject in detail, because once again I am writing naked, with my wrists handcuffed together and my ankles cuffed to my chair, and the sooner I get this entry finished and posted, the sooner Valkyrie will let me go... I hope.

My desire to get this over with quickly is further increased by the fact that Valkyrie is standing right behind me, reading over my shoulder, and is occasionally touching me in ways that are quite distracting and frustrating.

This post concerns the fact that, in keeping with my usual relationship pattern, my relationship with Valkyrie will come to an end at the end of this month (making it the longest relationship I’ve had in years).

One interesting thing about ending relationships at a pre-arranged time: you know when it’s your last night together, which means you can really plan to make it a memorable one. Many people have fond memories of really great first dates, but I’ve probably got one of the world’s best collections of “last date” memories.

Since my sex life always involves bondage and domination, the “last date” always seems to involve a night of play where the dominant partner tries to make things as memorable as possible.

I guess we all know who the dominant partner is going to be this time around (gulp).

Which brings us to the reason for this post: Valkyrie has an announcement to make. She’s already typed it up, for me to paste into this entry, and she’s told me I’m not leaving this chair until I’ve posted it.

Here’s what the evil bitch has to say to you:

Eek.

Bitch.

Uh, guys... go easy with those suggestions, huh?

Please?

 

May 8 2004

“Did anyone respond to your announcement yet?” I asked her, referring to the previous entry.

“I don’t know, I haven’t checked my email since we posted it. It’s only been a day.”

"Only" a day? Hasn’t checked her email? Ack! This is one reason all my long-term friendships are with people I only deal with over the internet: face-to-face, it drives me crazy that everyone I like is so much less obsessive-compulsive than I am.

“I’m sure no one’s written yet,” she continued, with the infuriating confidence of the non-obsessive-compulsive. “They need time to come up with really evil ideas. They’ll probably need at least a week to brainstorm.”

I had a sudden mental image of Yoko and her librarian friends at one of their Scrabble gatherings, merrily brainstorming a list of “Evil Things for Valkyrie to Do to Lila.”

Gulp.

“Well,” I said, trying to sound casual, “let me know if anyone does respond...”

“Sorry,” she smiled. “That’s for me to know and you to sweat about.”

Bitch.

It’s going to be a long month.

 

May 10 2004

It just keeps on getting worse...

First, Valkyrie has informed me that our final “date” is Memorial Day weekend... all weekend. All 3-day weekend. “And we won’t be leaving your apartment,” she said.

Second, Yoko’s blog entry today directed her readers to Valkyrie’s announcement! And then Nickykaa posted an evil comment to that entry designed to get me in further hot water... and so did Valkyrie! I didn’t even know Valkyrie read Yoko’s blog!

And Yoko says she’s already sent a Valkyrie a message! Eek! And of course, when I begged Valkyrie for a hint about what Yoko wrote to her, she just smiled and said, “You’ll find out.”

Can’t let them get to me... They’re trying to make me nervous, but I’m sure that Yoko’s suggestions were really fairly mild. Yoko never struck me as having a real evil streak... I’m sure that she wouldn’t take undue advantage of my predicament.

At least it’s only Yoko who’s directed her readers to Valkyrie’s announcement... I was afraid that the meme would spread, but so far my other fellow bloggers haven’t turned on me.

Valkyrie won’t tell me if anyone else has written yet. I assume that most of Yoko’s friends won’t actually be bold enough or evil enough to write in... but this site has gotten a lot more hits than usual in the past 24 hours...

Two and a half weeks to go.

 

May 11 2004

My previous entry immediately touched off a debate between me and Valkyrie. She believes that most people who read her May 7 announcement will write to her.

“Who could resist such a novel opportunity?” she said. “Everyone’s got a streak of playful sadism in them. This is their chance to exercise it with total impunity, as anonymously or non-anonymously as they want, and they even get to read about it in your blog afterwards. It’s like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure bondage story. And it’s all at your expense, and who could turn down the chance to torture little you?”

I disagree. I told her that most people are spectators by nature. They might find this situation amusing, but they’ll shy away from actual participation. Yoko is one of the rare exceptions, and that’s because she knows me, at least by email. And even Yoko will probably be moderate in her suggestions. Most people who will read the announcement haven’t even interacted with me by email. No one will write to a total stranger in this sort of bizarre situation.

“We’re not total strangers,” she insisted. “You’re not a stranger to them. You’re a friend of a friend, and your blog reveals the kind of stuff about you that most people only know about their closest friends. You’ll see. They’ll be psyched to have a chance to play with you.”

“Oh yeah?” I said. “How many have written so far?”

“Not many... yet. But it’s only been a few days. In a week, I’ll have so many replies that I won’t even have to come up with any plans of my own.”

“Oh yeah?” I said again. “You want to bet?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“Okay,” I said, “I’ll make you a deal. On the big weekend, you can only do things to me that were suggested by readers. On your honor, you can’t do anything that wasn’t contributed in response to your announcement. I’m yours until you use up all the suggestions, then I’m free. So if I’m right, and just a few people write in with a few tame ideas, then I get off easy. A few hours on Saturday, and then you have to let me go, and we’ll go out to eat and watch movies and stuff. If you’re right, which you’re not, then you’ll have a great big pile of suggestions, and you get to do them all to me, even if it takes more than three days and I have to call in sick.”

“Hmm... will you mention this deal in your blog?”

“Yeah, I’ll post this conversation right away.”

“Will you post another announcement from me when I say so?”

“Sure... not that it will do you any good.”

“We’ll see. It’s a deal.”

 

May 12 2004

Well, I promised Valkyrie that I’d post another announcement from her whenever she asked me to, so here it is. It’s plainly the disturbed raving of a madwoman, so be sure to completely ignore it.

Eek! Spanking is “a popular request so far”?

Gulp.

No, no, ignore it, she’s just trying to make me nervous. Yoko’s been doing it to me, too, dropping hints that she’s sent Valkyrie some evil suggestions... but I’m not going to let them get to me. Call me cynical on this (Nickykaa did), but I’m confident that I’m right that most people just won’t be motivated to participate. A bit of spanking, maybe a few other little things I’ll have to endure, but I’m expecting to spend most of the weekend relaxing and, as Valkyrie said, being insufferably smug.

 

May 14 2004

Bad news: Geminica reprinted Valkyrie’s May 7 announcement in her blog. A scary unknown quantity, because I don’t have any idea how many readers Geminica has, or how inventive they might be.

Good news: Nickykaa is the only one who’s reprinted Valkyrie’s much longer, more detailed, and more potentially persuasive May 12 announcement in his blog so far. I think/hope that Valkyrie screwed up and made that one too long and detailed to be easily worked into the brief sort of blog entries that most of my fellow bloggers prefer.

I’m don’t have any proof of this, but I get the sense that blogs by women get more female readers, and blogs by men get more male readers. And with the exception of Nickykaa, my experience has been that women are more evilly inventive than men, so I’d be a lot more worried if the May 12th announcement ran in a girl-made blog than I am that it’s appeared in Nickykaa’s blog.

Good news: Ace, ever the gentleman, hasn’t run any announcements at all in his blog.

Bad news: Ace hasn’t written to me to comment on the situation at all, and I’d expect him to have some brief charming comment, so it’s possible that he’s just been too busy to read for the past week, and that he still might get involved.

Good news: If he does get involved in this at all, Ace is probably sweet and chivalrous enough to let me off easy.

Bad news: Ace’s girlfriend, newly moved in with him, is a complete unknown quantity.

Good news: My site’s getting a bit more traffic than usual these past few days, but not nearly as much as I’d feared.

Good news: Valkyrie hasn’t been taunting me as much as I expected her too... does this mean that I’m winning, and no one is writing to her?

Source of worry: Maybe it’s a little too quiet. What plots might be hatching that I don’t know about?

Argh! I have to stop thinking about this! How am I going to survive another two weeks of this suspense?

I’ve got to stay calm and confident. Almost no one will write. I’ll get off easy. I’m going to win this bet. I just have to keep on reminding myself of that.

 

May 20 2004

Back on May 11, just nine days ago, when Valkyrie and I finalized the terms of this damned bet of ours, I said, “If you’re right, which you’re not, then you’ll have a great big pile of suggestions, and you get to do them all to me, even if it takes more than three days and I have to call in sick.”

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I even wrote it in the May 11 entry. It’s still up there, in black and white, for all to see. Well, technically it’s in black and grey, but you get the idea.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I can call in sick. I have a very secure job and a massive number of unused sick days, and work is slow right now. But I didn’t seriously think it was possible that I’d have to. More than three days? No way.

Valkyrie just warned me to make sure I was caught up on my work, and to be prepared to call in sick. Is she just trying to make me nervous?

Maybe. But...

A nice, friendly-sounding guy named Chris on Tribe.net sent me a message informing me that he’d sent Valkyrie a big pile of suggestions, and warning me to get plenty of sleep while I had the chance (which isn’t helping me sleep, of course).

Yoko has already told me that she’s sent in her list.

Ace and Nickykaa have both announced that they’re working on theirs. No word yet about whether Ace’s girlfriend is getting in on the fun.

Geminica posted Valkyrie’s initial May 7 announcement in her blog, and there’s a good chance that this means she’ll also be contributing something.

Jen, aka Empty Musings, is a 19-year-old Australian chick who writes darkly delightful poetry, and whose LiveJournal blog I recently started reading on Nickykaa’s recommendation. He recommended this blog to her at the same time he recommended hers to me. She’s hinted strongly that she might be sending Valkyrie some ideas. She might just be enjoying making me nervous, but if not, well... Jen is a submissive, in a very sweet-sounding kinky relationship with a girl around her own age. This makes me very nervous indeed, because...

One: In my experience so far, girls are generally far more evil than boys (except Nickykaa) when it comes to thinking up ways to torture girls.

Two: Younger women, in the “still exploring” phase, are more evil than most (as my own formative experiences attest to).

Three: When given the opportunity to top, most submissives are actually more evilly inventive than dominants. Maybe it’s the whole vicarious thing. I know I’m a more evil top than most of the people who’ve topped me.

Four: Jen’s got her lover to brainstorm with. Women are a lot more evil in groups.

So that one has me worried... not that all the others don’t also have me worried!

Meanwhile, life goes on. I don’t spend all my time worrying about this stupid bet... Well, actually, I do... But while I’m worrying I do other things as well.

This month, I’m having a lot of animal dreams. At the beginning of the month, it was rabbits. Now it’s minks. Yes, minks. Whole herds of them. Or packs, or whatever you call a lot of minks.

I’ve been making it to the gym a lot. Go, me!

For any women out there trying to stick to a workout schedule, I’ve stumbled upon the perfect way to boost your motivation! All you need is a helpful girlfriend (platonic or otherwise) who is in much better shape than you are, and is enough of a bitch to enjoy teasing you about it with very embarrassing remarks. Make an arrangement with her that in a few weeks she’ll spend a weekend with you, during which she has complete power over you, and during which she can wear whatever she likes while forcing you to remain naked most of the time. Talk about motivation! I guarantee that every time you contemplate that upcoming weekend, you’ll rush right out and spend two or three hours at the gym! It works! It’s only been 13 days so far, and my butt is already looking noticeably firmer! I guess this isn’t the kind of fitness plan one can bottle and sell, but if you’ve got the right kind of friend, give it a try!

 

May 21 2004

Aaaah! I’m so nervous! Stupid bet!

As you know from yesterday’s entry, Valkyrie’s been dropping ominous hints. She won’t say anything about what sort of requests she’s recieved so far, but every now and then she’ll deliberately let something slip about who’s written in. She’s loving this, the evil bitch.

The latest word: She heard from Ace, with requests from himself and Faye. Argh! She doesn’t have Geminica’s requests yet, but Geminica has said that she’s working on them. D’oh! And she’s recieved some “awesome” requests from Jennifer of Naked Oblivion. I’m a huge fan of Naked Oblivion, which is a site devoted to Jennifer’s fabulous stories about spanking. A huge fan of that site I may be, but I’m not a huge fan of finding out that part of my fate next weekend is being decided by a highly imaginative woman whose hobby is writing about spanking. Aaagh!!!

Valkyrie also forwarded me a quote from an email she got from Nickykaa:

Eek.

Last week, Yoko wrote to me and said, “I think the suspense in waiting will be more painful than the actual date.” I thought so, too... but I don’t think so anymore. I’m afraid I may be in big trouble...

Um... Geminica? Nicky? Empty Musings? Is there any way I can persuade you all not to write to Valkyrie? If I beg really nicely or something?

 

May 22 2004

In modern BDSM terminology, I’m what’s known as a “switch.” This means that I’ll play either the top or bottom role, the tie-er or the tie-ee.

When my partner is a boy, which is a very rare these past few years and getting rarer, the roles are negotiated based on my instincts. Basically, if I find a guy I actually trust to top me, then he’s automatically the top, since the rare guy who can inspire that sort of trust in me inevitably makes me want to surrender to that trust. Like I said, this hardly ever happens. Nickykaa was the last one, and that was almost three years ago now. I’ve had some bad experiences with guys, and I don’t trust most of them.

I went through a phase where I topped guys a lot... if I was into them but I wasn’t absolutely sure I could trust them, then I was the top. But then I started to think, “If I don’t completely trust this guy, why am I with him at all?” So now I just hardly ever do boys.

It’s different with girls. With girls, my competitive side comes out. I’m really into vying for dominance. Wrestling is my favorite way to do that. Wrestling boys is fun, too, but I never stand a chance of winning, so I only wrestle the boys I’ve already decided are going to get to top me. With girls, though, we can wrestle out the dominance issue, winner take all.

This means that, depending on how tough a girl is, I might be the bottom all the time, or the top all the time, or sometimes the bottom and sometimes the top. With Valkyrie, I’ve been the bottom all the time, since she’s tall, powerful, and super-fit (and she cheats). It’s like wrestling a guy (she could probably beat a few of the guys I’ve wrestled). It makes me kind of swoony, how strong she is.

(What would it be like to wrestle Yoko? She’s this kickass student of aikido, the same art Nickykaa teaches... she was writing the other day about a class where she took on three attackers at once... swoon, swoon...)

Neige, my lover before Valkyrie, was the opposite. I beat Neige every single time we wrestled, almost as easily as Valkyrie can beat me. I’ve been wrestling my lovers for as long as I’ve had lovers, so I’m tougher than I look, but still, I’m 5’3” and skinny, and I smoke, so it’s very unusual for me to find someone I can beat easily every single time.

Since I could beat Neige so easily, and since it was obvious that she was such a wimpy wrestler that I was going to beat her every single time, I was able to do anything I wanted to her with total impunity. Naturally, I exploited this opportunity fully. Oh, the delicious indignities that poor girl suffered at my cruel hands! Of course, with this Memorial Day bet hanging over my head, I’m not about to tell you all what kind of things I do when I’m topping... you’d do them to me! Maybe I’ll tell some stories about my topping experiences in the future, after this bet is just a hopefully-not-too-embarrassing memory...

The bet! The bet! Curse this stupid bet, and curse my big mouth for making it! I made a big mistake: I forgot that Neige reads this blog.

I got the email from her this morning:

Oh, shit.

I’m totally screwed.

Shit, shit, shit.

 

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